me - with gun

(no subject)

First physical therapy session done.

They started with a heating pack on my neck. Next they wanted me to do cardio but there's pretty much very little I can do physically. I told them that, he had me very gently try the stationary bike just to get the muscles moving. Moving is fine and it didn't hurt too bad. After that he showed me a couple of tricks to start breaking down some of the muscle damage and build some strength back up in the hips. All very useful stuff.

Then we got to the actual reason I was there... fixing the upper part. So we worked on my shoulders, including trying to strengthen my upper back muscles because right now my shoulders and chest are pulling at those muscles and weakening them which leads to spasms.

I'm sore right now, but it's clean pain. The therapist working with me was communicative, patient, complimentary, encouraging, and didn't talk down to me (especially when I told him I've researched a lot and have worked in the medical field)

So I'm sore and tired and chugging water like crazy but I'm encouraged by this first session. Next one is Thursday, then Saturday, then we repeat that schedule another three times after that. By then I hope my back is tougher and my shoulder and neck pain is lessened.

The range of motion in my neck is bad right now but the muscles are strong. That doesn't shock me, with hair this long I would HOPE the neck is strong. :P


Also, while I was focused on this today Will made a gofundme for a new computer for me so I can get right back to work as soon as the physical therapy has progressed enough that I can draw without either crying from pain or just downing painkiller after painkiller.

I miss work. I miss the comic. I'm going a bit stir crazy.

Also, since the accident I've now had two instances where I drank a bit too much and the affected muscles FREAKED OUT. So until this month is over, not having much booze. One or two drinks tops, anything more than that seems to exacerbate the issue.
me - with gun

(no subject)

So, I'll be frank. I wouldn't be crippled right now, ten years after the fact, if it wasn't for physical therapy utterly ruining me. Yes there were other factors, but physical therapy blatantly ignoring where my pain ACTUALLY was and "treating" an injury that wasn't there tore my muscles to shreds and has left me a pain-ridden useless blob covered hip to feet in muscle scar tissue.

Tomorrow I start physical therapy for something else entirely... my neck, upper back, and shoulders. These pains from the car wreck have been keeping me from drawing, chores, basically anything with the upper body. Considering I'm already fucked out of my LOWER body... well let's say I'm stressed.

And fucking terrified.

I've had nightmares about this place for ten years. Terrified of talking about it, like saying it out loud would be some kind of bloody mary/beetlejuice bullshit and suddenly they'll magically find paperwork that they messed up and they'll force me to go back and I'll be stuck there forever, breaking more and more every day as they force physical punishments I can't endure, "therapy" that makes it worse, etc. It's illogical but that's pretty much what ptsd does to you, folks. This was a traumatic 6 months that's not left me for 10 years.

So even though the therapists I'm meeting tomorrow are civilians, in a really good facility with good reviews, and for an area of my body that ISN'T the crippled part... I'm still scared. Terrified. Worried. It might not make sense, logically. I'm arguing with myself so much. But it's there. I'm scared that they'll have no empathy, no kindness. I'm scared they'll ignore me and force me to do things that harm me permanently. I'm scared... I'm scared to lose the biggest thing I have left. Art.

I predict that none of this will be happen. These next four weeks of therapy will make my neck/back/shoulders stronger than ever. I'll be confident and I'll grow from it so much. I'll be back to drawing in no time.

But it doesn't erase the terror. It doesn't make it so I can name the place that broke me, because I still fear the name.

... It's okay that I'm scared. Fear doesn't make me weak. But tomorrow afternoon that fear won't stop me. I'll walk into that office and I'll meet who I'm working with and we'll fight this new pain together and it will be an entirely different experience. I'll be wiser from my old experience... if they turn out to be assholes, I'll leave. Cancel my appointments. Find another office... because I can. I'm allowed to do that.

I control the next four weeks. I'm not trapped. I'm not forced. I'm not threatened and abused and mocked and alone.

I'm terrified, but that's not going to stop me. I can't lose art too. I can't. But even if I did, I'll find something else. I'll survive, and thrive, no matter what the world throws at me. That place... the one that tried to destroy me from the inside out. I'm not there anymore. They can't hurt me. I don't ever need to go back.

I'll win this.
me - with gun

(no subject)

Was in a lot less pain today. Slept like... somewhere between 10 and 12 hours. I needed that. Still tense, pain's still there, but it's not overwhelming. I spent the day forcefully relaxing. Will caught me on Photoshop and was all "I thought you said no art today" and I was like "I said no WORK today, this is for fun"

So I did a shit-ton of fanart. Mostly Dragon Age stuff, but started out with DC fanart.

So, yeah. Art. Relaxing and watching TV and movies with Will. Cuddling and petting the kitty cat when she was behaving. Will made cookies.

I needed today. I needed it a lot. :)
me - with gun

(no subject)

In a good deal of pain. It spiked really badly at Panoptikon last night. I still had a good time despite this. The drive home was brutal. Had to take two heavy-duty meds to sleep through the pain.

Woke up late. We went car shopping, which was already the plan with Will but we took Roq as well considering his car might be totaled now. We tested a Mini Countryman and a Jeep Renegade. Leaning towards the second, mainly because of price. I slightly preferred the Mini but it's Will who will be driving it and making the payments so the Jeep is absolutely fine by me too.

Overheated while at the Jeep dealership though. It was really hot out and we spent too much time standing around in the boiling parking lot. That and pain and dehydration... I gave up and waited in the car with the A/C blasting.

After finishing up with the cars we had pho for lunch. It was really good and gave me just enough energy to be able to handle the drive to our friends' place for a party. Unfortunately the pain, dehydration, overheating and just general exhaustion made me sleep pretty much the whole time I was there. I felt bad, because I really did want to socialize. Right at the end of our time at the party I did what I could to at least make the rounds and talk as much as I could handle.

There was a second party nearer to home, a friend's birthday. I really really wanted to go, but... we stopped at the house so I could take my evening meds and I realized I was just too tired, in too much pain, too drained... just couldn't handle more people. Will and Roq both pointed out that there was a hot tub at this party that might help the whiplash pain stuff but I pointed out to them that I overheated today and sitting in a hot tub in August, even though it's night-time, is a god-awful idea. MAYBE I'll take a bath tonight or tomorrow. We'll see.

I have a massage scheduled later in the week. I also need to get checked out in general... neck and shoulders and upper back hurt like hell. Also want to get an ultrasound around my lower abdomen. I'm spotting... which could be because I'm ovulating and I have the IUD but considering how roughly the seatbelt dug in I worry the IUD is out of place and causing bleeding. That's PROBABLY not it, it would likely hurt and be bleeding a lot more. But I still want to make sure everything in that general area is okay.

Ugh. I just want to fall asleep and wake up healed.
me - with gun

(no subject)

Car wreck today with Roq. We're both okay. I mean... I hurt. I'm tense. But I can't tell if any of the pain is related to the wreck or just the stress of it.

It's been an insanely long day. And I'm still determined to go to Pan tonight so it'll be even longer - but hopefully in a good way from here on out.
me - with gun

(no subject)

It's been a quiet weekend. I spent a lot of it gaming. Stayed up late last night. Will got in late and was chatty so I didn't get to sleep until maybe 3-ish. The cat woke me up at 5 for snuggles. Woke up again at 9 for pills. Went back to bed and stayed until 11 or so. Got up, made myself some coffee (which I've been yoinking from Will, haven't gotten new coffee for myself yet)

I started on the comic while watching Netflix. When Will got up he took control of the TV to game for a while, which was fine. He was playing SWTOR and so long as I have a story going on the TV that I can half-focus on while working I don't get stressed.

Then at some point in the late afternoon/early evening I fucked up my back so fucking backly. I don't know what happened, really. I was sitting on the couch, I reached for something, and something just... twisted. Sharp crackling pain, intense and constant. I could barely move. I still can't turn/twist my back... after four different painkillers and hours on a heating pad I'm able to breathe again but I still have to be careful.

If it's still really bad tomorrow I'll see about going to a doctor.

Hopefully sleep tonight comes easy and I don't make it worse. I'll be keeping it easy this week. Soon as I can trust myself to get in and out of a bath without further injury I'll use hot baths too. Or hell just do that starting tomorrow but wait until Will is home so he can help me in and out of the tub.

We'll see how this goes.

Got the comic done despite the pain, though it took way longer than I would have liked. Didn't finish until after midnight. Hopefully the upload got through in time for a Monday update. Fingers crossed.

I'll also keep trying to work on commissions throughout the week. Just have to watch how I move my arms while I draw... got to make sure I don't twist my back too much. Because I did that a few times today and ow.

In other news, watching this new-ish show with Will called "Dark Matter". I like it so far, we got about five or six episodes in today. It's one of those shows I like watching with the thought of "ha, this is a roleplaying group dynamic"... and it really does feel that way. In a good way, mind you. Also totally makes me want to play a game in this kind of setting with the same premise (you wake up from stasis with no memory but a whole lot of dangerous skillsets and your personality in tact, whatever it was)

Oh and there's an episode where Ruby Rose plays an "entertainment android", so... that was enjoyable to watch. Goddamn Ruby Rose... *swoons*
me - with gun

(no subject)

If I ever post/see a photo of myself from years ago and I lament that I'm not her anymore, here's a comment that doesn't fucking help:

"You're better now, you look like a little kid in this picture!"

#1, I call bullshit. Most the people who say this are people who hit on 18 year old girls all the time so clearly "looking like a little kid" is a selling point if anything. Secondly, you're missing a shitload of context when I say I miss my old body. Yes the youth and being thinner and all was nice, but you know what I mainly miss when I see those pictures? ABILITY.

Guess what I could do back in those pictures. I could DRIVE A CAR. I could hold down a full time job. I could walk without the cane for long distances. I could dance. I could clean the house easier.

I've lost SO FUCKING MUCH. So having my wishes blown off with just telling me I'm hotter now? Is really missing the point. And also makes me want to snap at people because it's inevitably the same people who are INTO women who still look like "little kids", so you saying that's a BAD thing in those old photos is sending a mixed message. You're either into that or you're not, make up your mind. ;P

But do not mistake my grief over my losses for just looks or me worrying that I'm not attracting men who are into little girls. I damn sure don't want THAT type of guy anyway so win/win. I'm missing EVERYTHING about what that body was capable of. I'm mourning a TON of losses, of strength and independence and capability. I miss it all. I don't want to look like I'm a little kid. I want to dance. I want to drive a car. I want options for my future that aren't painfully limited to what I can do from my livingroom couch.

So, please. When I say I miss what I used to be, stop making it all about my looks and your sexual desire for me now vs me then. That doesn't help. That's not what it's about. Laughing off my pain with "you look 12 in this! lol!*" just makes it hurt more.

(*also a lot of people making this comment were hitting on me years ago, so... what, you were hitting on me when I looked 12? Who's the creep now, dude? :P)
me - with gun

(no subject)

I don't know what I ate or drank or took before bed last night but my dream got WEIRD. Like I woke up going "was this a movie I saw, or just want to see?"

In the dream I was a Korean girl, ALMOST sure it was North Korean but that part was fuzzy. I was young and my older brother had pressured me into this mail-order bride thing in order for us both to get to the US. It didn't quite work out in the "find a husband" part but unbeknownst to both my brother and I, the mail-order-bride service was a cover for the Korean government to secretly brainwash and train and experiment on these girls to turn them into super soldiers (unbeknownst to me because, you know, they erase that part of your memory)

So the mail-order thing doesn't work out, as I mentioned. My brother's mad that we didn't get to the US successfully so I run away and hide out at some all-girls boarding school or something. The government doesn't like that their super soldier just got away so they track me down there. Meanwhile I STILL have no idea, and am baffled when soldiers attack the school.

This is when a rogue soldier or ex-soldier or something from some other super soldier program (who looked like a young Schwarzenegger (yeah, random white dude in the Korean army, okay) like half the time but then just looked like another more believable human being) decided to help me out. He protected me while I slowly began to discover what I was, find clues that led me to find out about the super soldier project.

At the end of the day the rogue soldier helped out a lot and everything, but I realized my full potential and saved my own damn self.

Then I woke up.

And, as I said, went "... was this a movie? WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?"

I told Will about it. His response was "It's not a movie I'VE seen. But I totally WOULD."