One of these days I'll have a Twilight-relevant icon... until then, I'll have GOOD icons.

Oh God... it literally took months... but I did it. I got through the New Moon parody.

I did it just for you guys, because otherwise I would have happily never read a page. But I do enjoy being a crowd pleaser and so many people enjoyed and wanted me to continue the rewrites.

So... I am continuing.

And here were are... New Moon.

Warning: It's goddamn terrible.

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SHINGA: I have apparently gone insane.

CHAPTER ONE

BELLA: I’m dreaming!

BELLA’S DEAD GRANDMA: I have no relevance to this story!

BELLA: Hi grandma!

BELLA’S DEAD GRANDMA: Whatever.

EDWARD: BELLA.

BELLA: EDWARD.

EDWARD: BELLA.

BELLA: EDWARD. Schnookums! Oh crap, grandma might see you glittering. I suddenly am bothered by this even though I know I’m dreaming.

BELLA’S DEAD GRANDMA: No problem, I’m just an old reflection of you or something.

BELLA: Creepy.

EDWARD: I’ll be pretty forever! Look how ugly you are. Have fun growing old!

BELLA: Dammit! I’m awake now and hate being eighteen! It may or may not be slightly less creepy boinking a hundred-year-old vampire now that I’m an adult and that’s a bonus, but it also means I’m OLD AND WRINKLY! Life sucks!

SUMMER: Wasn’t I like the best thing ever though? Like better than anything in the whole wide world?

BELLA: Well there is that, yes. Because I was with Edward. Edward Edward Edward Edward. But now I’m an adult and Edward isn’t, despite that pesky detail of him being a hundred years older than me! I’m going to go check for wrinkles.

CHARLIE: I got you presents for your birthday!

BELLA: GODDAMN, I HATE PRESENTS. But I’ll pretend I’m happy even though I’m OLD AND WRINKLY NOW. I’m going to school.

EDWARD: I’m pretty. Has this been mentioned?

BELLA: Not enough!

THIRTEEN YEAR OLD FANGIRLS: I want a man as pretty as Edward!

ALICE: I’m here too, you know.

THIRTEEN YEAR OLD FANGIRLS AND BELLA: YAY EDWARD!

ALICE: I also got you a present! Happy birthday!

BELLA: OMG shut up, people might know I’m old!

EDWARD: Look at how pretty I am. Also my hands are cold and hard and I’m having a hard time figuring out why you find that appealing.

BELLA: Because you’re pretty!

EDWARD: Ah yes, there is that. Also, notice how I’m not wishing you a happy birthday. That makes me a good boyfriend.

BELLA: But I’m OLD!

ALICE: What? No you’re not.

BELLA: I’m older than my precious Eddiekins!

ALICE: Blah blah blah, all I hear is whining. We’re throwing you a party you ungrateful brat.

BELLA: BUT I DON’T WANNA.

EDWARD: You will, because I am your boyfriend and that gives me the right to tell you what to do.

THIRTEEN YEAR OLD FANGIRLS: This must be what a healthy, romantic relationship should be like! I can’t wait to have a boyfriend telling me what to do!

MIKE: I’m fixing my hair to look like Edward’s now. Does it make me prettier?

BELLA: Ew, go away.

CLASS: I am totally unimportant compared to you thinking about money and birthdays and Edward.

BELLA: Gosh I wish Edward would make me a vampire. Otherwise I have to go to college. That is so lame and not the kind of life I want as a modern woman.

EDWARD: It is bad that you’re so comfortable sitting so close to me at lunch, because I’m dangerous.

READERS: He still hasn’t shut up about that?

EDWARD: You’re so fragile.

BELLA: That’s true.

EDWARD: You should be in a good mood, because I told you to be in one, and once again I have the right to tell you not only what to do but how to feel as well.

BELLA: That is so sweet! Let’s make out and use up way too much prose to describe it.

READERS: *skip*

EDWARD: Romeo is stupid.

BELLA: HEY HOW DARE YOU DISLIKE SOMETHING THAT I LIKE, I’M GOING TO FOLLOW YOU AROUND ONLINE AND INSULT YOUR OPINIONS.

EDWARD: ... What?

BELLA: Whoa, sorry, fantard moment.

EDWARD: I’m going to whisper Romeo’s lines into your ear.

BELLA: Aww!

EDWARD: Man, I wish I was Romeo, because I wanted to kill myself when you got beat up in the last book. I totally had it planned out too, I was just going to go piss off some powerful vampire family in Italy so they’d kill me.

BELLA: WHAT. NO. STFU.

CHARLIE: Who wants food!

EDWARD: I’m taking Bella somewhere else.

CHARLIE: Good.

EDWARD: Bye now!

BELLA: So, you should totally turn me into a vampire for my birthday.

EDWARD: No.

BELLA: Fine, maybe Alice will do it.

THE PARTY: *is fancy*

BELLA: PARTIES SUCK.

VAMPIRES: We all love you!

BELLA: Ow, papercut.

VAMPIRES: WE ALL EAT YOU.

EDWARD: HELL NO THIS BITCH IS MINE. *push*

BELLA: I’m bleeding everywhere and may have broken something! Tee hee I’m so clumsy!

VAMPIRES: Ooooo.

EDWARD: I SAID NO. DIBS.

END OF CHAPTER ONE

PLOT: Don’t tell me this is me. “Oh no, Bella’s bleeding! ... AGAIN”... whoopdee-fuckin-do.

Next chapter!