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12:46pm 31/10/2014
tags: art, head trip
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01:08pm 28/10/2014
I hate the character Olaf but this gif is so fucking funny

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10:51am 28/10/2014
Communication is one of my weakest points. It's weird, there's layers of communication... SOME of them I kick ass at. If we're gonna go nerdy with this, I apparently have a pretty high charisma score with my specialty being diplomacy (and as others have told me, intimation, which I guess is also accurate but I don't need it as often)... I'm diplomatic as all hell. I have skills in tact and careful clear communication. In high-stress situations, particularly in a professional setting, this has been useful.

But the grittier parts of communication? Between friends, in romantic relationships? BSOD. I just... freeze. I don't even know what I'm doing there. Yes the tact and diplomatic skills come in handy sometimes there, but then there's those pesky "emotions". It's really not easy relying on those skills when you're discussing strong emotions (especially the more negative ones). I still try. But the whole point of the diplomatic/tact skills is leaving the emotions out of it. So there's where the problem comes in. It's pretty hard to communicate the strong emotions you're feeling while leaving emotions out of it. And maybe I shouldn't! Maybe this is just a whole new level of skill I've left unexplored (often on purpose because I've hurt people in the past when I let things like anger take too much control in a discussion) and need to start really focusing on that. Clear, honest communication WITHOUT completely hiding and hyper-controlling the emotions I'm feeling.

There's still a time and place for tact and diplomacy and emotion-free communication. But I've spent enough points leveling those up, it's time to focus on the parts of communication I've neglected because I didn't think they were as important. I was wrong. They're important, they're VERY important. I've spent years letting that lack of skill harm my relationships and I'm tired of ending up lonely because I refuse to work on that.
mood: frustratedfrustrated
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06:21pm 26/10/2014
Huh, today's been pretty awesome.

As mentioned, yesterday I spent either blurry-eyed and shut down from pain, or high on the painkillers for said pain. Today I frequently accidentally Friday "yesterday", so apparently I was WAY more out of it during that whole thing than I realized. Fun times!

But today things looked up. I woke up after a night of deep, comfortable sleep. Made my coffee and did the first doodle I've done in two weeks (too much bad headspace means very little art), followed by working on tomorrow's Head Trip.

I lost track of time and around 11:30 Curly showed up as scheduled. I changed real quick and we headed into Denton to Jupiter House since she'd never been. I got myself some nice hot cider with cinnamon. We hung out for a while and just chatted - it was a lot of fun!

Around 2 we headed back and I got myself some water, finished up Head Trip, and realized I was still really energetic and pain levels were really low (also likely a result of them being so high the day before - yay endorphins! So I decided to go outside with a trash bag and start pulling grass and weeds from the flowerbed. YIKES. So much! Filled about half a bag over an hour and a half and it looks like I barely touched it. The flowerbeds have been pretty neglected so I'm not surprised.

Still, it was a lot of fun. Been a while since I dug in the dirt and got my hands dirty and talked to plants. Next time I'll wear gloves since I got a bit scratched up, but... it was good.

Went inside and cleaned up and talked to my boyfriend on the phone for a while. Now I'm relaxing in my super comfy PJ pants and my fiance is about to order us some dinner. Maybe we'll watch some movies.

Yeah. I like today. Good job, Sunday. You've done well.
mood: cheerfulcheerful
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09:48am 24/10/2014
Today is the 20th anniversary of the Gargoyles television premiere.

It might sound stupid, but Gargoyles has a ton of importance to me still. When it first came out my parents were a little iffy on us watching it - after all, the gargoyles themselves looked purposefully “demonic”. But the first episode we happened to catch was the episode where Broadway accidentally shoots Elisa. We were stunned. For starters, what a fantastic episode. Secondly, holy shit did they just have an episode about gun safety and a main character got shot? There was blood, I saw blood!

Right away I was hooked. Obsessed, even. I couldn’t stop thinking about this show. Every time it came on I was glued to the television set. I had entire episodes memorized in no time, and I remembered details about it far better than I remembered those pesky “school” details.
Gargoyles is when I really started to focus on art. Yes I’d been drawing since I could hold a crayon semi-correclty, but Gargoyles REALLY sparked something in me. I couldn’t stop. Suddenly I needed to learn, I needed to improve, I needed my skills to be enough that I could draw and design my own characters for Gargoyles, so I could feel closer to the show that meant so much to a lonely kid. I was obsessed with drawing, I was unstoppable.

I remember worrying that, for some reason, drawing gargoyles was probably bad. I kept it hidden for the longest time. In retrospect I’m not even sure why. My parents let us watch the show, they even liked it (when Elisa and Goliath kissed, my mom shouted “FINALLY!”), so the logic in my young head didn’t really track. But for months (maybe even years) my closet was stacked high full of my secret gargoyles drawings. I didn’t mind the secret. If anything it made me feel even closer to the show, like my obsession was something special. Again, kid brain and kid logic.

As lonely and maybe sad as it sounds (sometime in this story we moved halfway across the country, so my crippling shyness wasn’t the only thing preventing me from having friends), it’s amazing what Gargoyles did for me. Where my art had started out just a means to an end to be closer to the show, it became something much more important. Suddenly I was wanting how-to books and really actually improving and learning.

Then, the internet. Oh my, the internet. Once my dad figured out that I was getting more serious about my art, he wanted to scan the pictures in and show them off online. We had a cute little family website that was perfect for this. I watched while he showed off my Gargoyles fanart and I wondered what else the internet had to offer for this.

Oh my goodness, what it had to offer! I was floored. The fanart, the fanfiction (an entirely unexplored thing I’d never even considered - I had all these characters I’d made up, you mean I could write and post stories about them?! Granted I was 12 or so at the time, in retrospect the answer to “I can post my fanfic?” should have been “oh god no please don’t”)… the fans, meanwhile, were friendly and welcoming people. I was… well, very 12 years old… and made some idiotic comments here and there. Rather than chasing me out, I got PM’d and had things gently explained. Once I figured out kind of how to navigate the fandom, I felt comfortable and welcomed pretty damn quickly.

I’m still friends with many of those people to this day, including some of the more amazing artists and writers that I assumed would always be out of my league. And, well, they kind of still are - but I’m no longer a starry-eyed 12-year-old too afraid to talk with the cool kids. In any case, I found myself carefully studying others’ fanart, learning from them, getting ideas, tentatively showing off my own work (which was well received… I was 13 when I started posting more art and people were impressed at what I could do “for my age”… like the art wasn’t great but since I was 13, that shit was fantastic)

I don’t quite remember what I felt when the show ended (which was after season two, we don’t talk about The Goliath Chronicles… even as a kid I knew that show was bullshit)… I was probably upset. For all I know I’ve repressed those memories and I actually spent a week in bed inconsolable and sobbing and holding my action figures close.

But what I DO remember is that the fandom carried the show on. That sense of belonging that a lonely kid found in Gargoyles was continued for real through the fandom, through these people I’ve kept in touch with and grown with for the last seventeen years of my life.

When Gargoyles came out, it showed me so much. It gave me a rich and dark and beautiful story, complex characters (hero and villain alike), and a lifelong love of urban fantasy (I maintain it’s no coincidence so many Gargoyles fans love Dresden Files)…. It sparked a passion for art and character design and writing that I’ve kept up with ever since. It gave me a sense of belonging that I craved, even before it introduced me to the fandom and the friends in it that I’ve loved for almost two decades now.

I can say without any hesitation that I wouldn’t be where I am today if not for Gargoyles. Yes, I know, it’s just a show. But what that show has created, inspired, and brought together is something that has shaped me as a person in huge ways. I can never, ever express my love for this show enough. And yes, I’ve rewatched it as an adult - it holds up.
tags: gargoyles
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12:49pm 23/10/2014
In a KITCHEN EXPERIMENTATION MOOD! Tomorrow I'm gonna try a low-sodium pho recipe for dinner and then bake chocolate-chip pumpkin bread. And also I'd love to make some hot mulled cider but that will be the easy part :)

Pain levels being low and kitty being home is helping my mood quite a lot. :)
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10:48am 23/10/2014

Last night my sleep was frequently interrupted by all of her snuggling, purring, and pettin's-demanding.

Today she's following me into every room, meowing and purring and cuddling the second I sit down.

It's like she's happy to be home or something. :)

She didn't eat as much last night as I wanted her to, but she probably ate a bit before Will picked her up from the vet. Hopefully she eats better today.

Giving her some medicine was... fun. Not as bad as it could be, but the next few days should be entertaining. xD

I'm feeling paranoid and extra careful with her right now, but also way more relaxed than I have been. It's so good to have her home and healthy. She's back to her energetic, sassy, misbehaving self.
tags: kittygirl
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05:25pm 22/10/2014
Diana is home <3
tags: kittygirl
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09:05am 22/10/2014
My girl's coming home today!!!

Unfortunately the timing makes it so I can't be there to pick her up, but Will's going to go and talk to the vet and find out all the details. I have a feeling they never did figure out what happened... that's just my guess, though. But if she's healthy now, and happy? Then I'm okay with that. I'll keep her going to regular check-ups and keep a close eye on her from now on.

But when I get home from therapy, my baby will be home! I'm so happy right now. I'm gonna give her tuna and cuddle the hell out of her. :D
tags: kittygirl
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11:29am 21/10/2014
The closer we get to Halloween the more I'm not sure what I want to do. I have a feeling once Diana is back home my headspace will instantly improve and the idea of a party won't be so daunting. Hell the idea of having a Halloween-themed get-together for local friends this Friday seemed fun until I realized how exhausted I was and how rough headspace is and the idea of just a quiet night with Will's girlfriend being the only company sounded more and more appealing. Maybe I'll pick up some Halloween/fall-scented candles and have candy out and make some cider and we can watch Hocus Pocus and such anyway, but not have it be a thing where too many people are over.

Already we're invited to... SO many Halloween things. Many of them with people I don't know very well and it sounds packed and loud. Ugh. Again, once Diana gets her clean bill of health and she's home my stress levels will plummet and likely a big fun party will sound fantastic. But right now? It sounds godawful.

I love Halloween in general but right now I'm SO ready for it to be November. Plan Thanksgiving, plan TRF, plan Christmas.

Right now I have no costume for Halloween and don't think I want to put in much money for one with all the vet bills piling up and Will still being unemployed.

mood: stressedstressed
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