?

Log in

(no subject)  
10:02pm 02/01/2016
 
 
Shinga
2016 is already the year of "Shinga is finding style again"

picsCollapse )

So far so good. More thrift store shopping, more being sexy for no other reason than "I want to" (though that second pic was for a very romantic date, so okay that was a pretty good reason)

Yeah. Is good. <3
 
    Read 4 - Post - Share - Link
 
(no subject)  
12:02pm 03/11/2015
 
 
Shinga
Losing friends because they look down on you for being disabled too long. Good times.
 
    Read 5 - Post - Share - Link
 
(no subject)  
08:22am 29/09/2015
 
 
Shinga
This is my last week of physical therapy. I have a check-up on Friday to sort of test my progress but I'll probably ask for a range of motion test sometime this week with the folks in the physical therapy section of things, since the doctor might not do that. I know a couple of weeks ago they said it was already improving. And the pain has lessened immensely, while my upper back has gotten a lot stronger (which has done wonders for my posture as well)

I've learned so much. How to use muscles correctly, how to properly stretch and work them, even some tips on how to handle my hips' scar tissue pain (which, since it was unrelated to the accident, they didn't need to do for me but wanted to)

I might ask them on Friday to check my insurance, see if I can be covered to come back at LEAST once a month just to keep learning, keep growing, keep shaping myself like a sculpture. I can see a difference in the mirror. I can feel the difference, and not just physically. There's a change in my demeanor, and I'm not the only one noticing it. I'm more confident, I'm less stressed. I mean, I'm still stressed, but... it's not nearly so bad.

Skipping two appointments last week to spend some time in Houston with the boyfriend may not look smart from the outside, but that was necessary too. I needed a change of scenery, and a few days of nothing but peace and a lack of worry. I didn't have my scanner and wacom pen within eyesight, mocking me daily. I didn't have unfinished work looming over my head. Boyfriend happily paid for things this time around (whereas I normally grab the check before he can get to it when we go out to eat)

There was a noticeable difference when I got home. Less tense, less angry, less... everything negative. I'm still tired. Well, that might not be related to much of anything, I started shark week like the DAY I left Houston. So this last week of PT I'm playing in hard mode. ;)

Will bought me some simple headphones so I'm bringing the ipad with me to PT to listen to music while I do the cardio part in the beginning. I know myself... get the right music going and I will work up a sweat and have my heartrate right where they want it in no time xD

Maybe once I get some better income I can get a bathing suit that fits and come back to try their aquatic exercises too, to get more of the legs and hips moving.

I don't know. This whole experience may have started out shitty. I mean, who WANTS a car accident? But... it's changing how I look at myself. How I look at my body. Slowly I'm beginning to see my body as mine a little better. It's become such a separate entity in my mind that I was beginning to blame it, hate it, see it as an enemy. I always referred to my body and pain as something I was fighting all the time. Which worked for coping for a while, but... I need to work on not doing it as much. Because it's part of me, and something I need to relearn how to love and work on instead of hating and fighting.

I'm already excited for October. On the 1st is my anniversary, also the second-to-last PT appointment, and Will and I have reservations to a lovely restaurant in Denton. I wish to hell I had some spending money so I could grab a nice dress at a thrift store for the occasion. It's not a huge anniversary or anything, but it's been a while since he and I really celebrated it beyond a small gift or card or something.

<3 A lot of crappy stuff has gone down this month. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is usually bullshit, but this time... this time it's been true.
mood: hopefulhopeful
 
    Read 1 - Post - Share - Link
 
(no subject)  
09:02pm 08/09/2015
 
 
Shinga
First physical therapy session done.

They started with a heating pack on my neck. Next they wanted me to do cardio but there's pretty much very little I can do physically. I told them that, he had me very gently try the stationary bike just to get the muscles moving. Moving is fine and it didn't hurt too bad. After that he showed me a couple of tricks to start breaking down some of the muscle damage and build some strength back up in the hips. All very useful stuff.

Then we got to the actual reason I was there... fixing the upper part. So we worked on my shoulders, including trying to strengthen my upper back muscles because right now my shoulders and chest are pulling at those muscles and weakening them which leads to spasms.

I'm sore right now, but it's clean pain. The therapist working with me was communicative, patient, complimentary, encouraging, and didn't talk down to me (especially when I told him I've researched a lot and have worked in the medical field)

So I'm sore and tired and chugging water like crazy but I'm encouraged by this first session. Next one is Thursday, then Saturday, then we repeat that schedule another three times after that. By then I hope my back is tougher and my shoulder and neck pain is lessened.

The range of motion in my neck is bad right now but the muscles are strong. That doesn't shock me, with hair this long I would HOPE the neck is strong. :P

Anyway.

Also, while I was focused on this today Will made a gofundme for a new computer for me so I can get right back to work as soon as the physical therapy has progressed enough that I can draw without either crying from pain or just downing painkiller after painkiller.

I miss work. I miss the comic. I'm going a bit stir crazy.

Also, since the accident I've now had two instances where I drank a bit too much and the affected muscles FREAKED OUT. So until this month is over, not having much booze. One or two drinks tops, anything more than that seems to exacerbate the issue.
 
    Read 2 - Post - Share - Link
 
(no subject)  
11:42pm 07/09/2015
 
 
Shinga
So, I'll be frank. I wouldn't be crippled right now, ten years after the fact, if it wasn't for physical therapy utterly ruining me. Yes there were other factors, but physical therapy blatantly ignoring where my pain ACTUALLY was and "treating" an injury that wasn't there tore my muscles to shreds and has left me a pain-ridden useless blob covered hip to feet in muscle scar tissue.

Tomorrow I start physical therapy for something else entirely... my neck, upper back, and shoulders. These pains from the car wreck have been keeping me from drawing, chores, basically anything with the upper body. Considering I'm already fucked out of my LOWER body... well let's say I'm stressed.

And fucking terrified.

I've had nightmares about this place for ten years. Terrified of talking about it, like saying it out loud would be some kind of bloody mary/beetlejuice bullshit and suddenly they'll magically find paperwork that they messed up and they'll force me to go back and I'll be stuck there forever, breaking more and more every day as they force physical punishments I can't endure, "therapy" that makes it worse, etc. It's illogical but that's pretty much what ptsd does to you, folks. This was a traumatic 6 months that's not left me for 10 years.

So even though the therapists I'm meeting tomorrow are civilians, in a really good facility with good reviews, and for an area of my body that ISN'T the crippled part... I'm still scared. Terrified. Worried. It might not make sense, logically. I'm arguing with myself so much. But it's there. I'm scared that they'll have no empathy, no kindness. I'm scared they'll ignore me and force me to do things that harm me permanently. I'm scared... I'm scared to lose the biggest thing I have left. Art.

I predict that none of this will be happen. These next four weeks of therapy will make my neck/back/shoulders stronger than ever. I'll be confident and I'll grow from it so much. I'll be back to drawing in no time.

But it doesn't erase the terror. It doesn't make it so I can name the place that broke me, because I still fear the name.

... It's okay that I'm scared. Fear doesn't make me weak. But tomorrow afternoon that fear won't stop me. I'll walk into that office and I'll meet who I'm working with and we'll fight this new pain together and it will be an entirely different experience. I'll be wiser from my old experience... if they turn out to be assholes, I'll leave. Cancel my appointments. Find another office... because I can. I'm allowed to do that.

I control the next four weeks. I'm not trapped. I'm not forced. I'm not threatened and abused and mocked and alone.

I'm terrified, but that's not going to stop me. I can't lose art too. I can't. But even if I did, I'll find something else. I'll survive, and thrive, no matter what the world throws at me. That place... the one that tried to destroy me from the inside out. I'm not there anymore. They can't hurt me. I don't ever need to go back.

I'll win this.
 
    Read 5 - Post - Share - Link
 
(no subject)  
11:36pm 23/08/2015
 
 
Shinga
Was in a lot less pain today. Slept like... somewhere between 10 and 12 hours. I needed that. Still tense, pain's still there, but it's not overwhelming. I spent the day forcefully relaxing. Will caught me on Photoshop and was all "I thought you said no art today" and I was like "I said no WORK today, this is for fun"

So I did a shit-ton of fanart. Mostly Dragon Age stuff, but started out with DC fanart.

So, yeah. Art. Relaxing and watching TV and movies with Will. Cuddling and petting the kitty cat when she was behaving. Will made cookies.

I needed today. I needed it a lot. :)
 
    Post - Share - Link
 
(no subject)  
10:07pm 22/08/2015
 
 
Shinga
In a good deal of pain. It spiked really badly at Panoptikon last night. I still had a good time despite this. The drive home was brutal. Had to take two heavy-duty meds to sleep through the pain.

Woke up late. We went car shopping, which was already the plan with Will but we took Roq as well considering his car might be totaled now. We tested a Mini Countryman and a Jeep Renegade. Leaning towards the second, mainly because of price. I slightly preferred the Mini but it's Will who will be driving it and making the payments so the Jeep is absolutely fine by me too.

Overheated while at the Jeep dealership though. It was really hot out and we spent too much time standing around in the boiling parking lot. That and pain and dehydration... I gave up and waited in the car with the A/C blasting.

After finishing up with the cars we had pho for lunch. It was really good and gave me just enough energy to be able to handle the drive to our friends' place for a party. Unfortunately the pain, dehydration, overheating and just general exhaustion made me sleep pretty much the whole time I was there. I felt bad, because I really did want to socialize. Right at the end of our time at the party I did what I could to at least make the rounds and talk as much as I could handle.

There was a second party nearer to home, a friend's birthday. I really really wanted to go, but... we stopped at the house so I could take my evening meds and I realized I was just too tired, in too much pain, too drained... just couldn't handle more people. Will and Roq both pointed out that there was a hot tub at this party that might help the whiplash pain stuff but I pointed out to them that I overheated today and sitting in a hot tub in August, even though it's night-time, is a god-awful idea. MAYBE I'll take a bath tonight or tomorrow. We'll see.

I have a massage scheduled later in the week. I also need to get checked out in general... neck and shoulders and upper back hurt like hell. Also want to get an ultrasound around my lower abdomen. I'm spotting... which could be because I'm ovulating and I have the IUD but considering how roughly the seatbelt dug in I worry the IUD is out of place and causing bleeding. That's PROBABLY not it, it would likely hurt and be bleeding a lot more. But I still want to make sure everything in that general area is okay.

Ugh. I just want to fall asleep and wake up healed.
tags: health, pain
 
    Post - Share - Link
 
(no subject)  
04:53pm 21/08/2015
 
 
Shinga
Car wreck today with Roq. We're both okay. I mean... I hurt. I'm tense. But I can't tell if any of the pain is related to the wreck or just the stress of it.

It's been an insanely long day. And I'm still determined to go to Pan tonight so it'll be even longer - but hopefully in a good way from here on out.
 
    Read 2 - Post - Share - Link
 
(no subject)  
10:23am 21/08/2015
 
 
Shinga
tags: lol, video
 
    Read 1 - Post - Share - Link
 
(no subject)  
12:42am 10/08/2015
 
 
Shinga
It's been a quiet weekend. I spent a lot of it gaming. Stayed up late last night. Will got in late and was chatty so I didn't get to sleep until maybe 3-ish. The cat woke me up at 5 for snuggles. Woke up again at 9 for pills. Went back to bed and stayed until 11 or so. Got up, made myself some coffee (which I've been yoinking from Will, haven't gotten new coffee for myself yet)

I started on the comic while watching Netflix. When Will got up he took control of the TV to game for a while, which was fine. He was playing SWTOR and so long as I have a story going on the TV that I can half-focus on while working I don't get stressed.

Then at some point in the late afternoon/early evening I fucked up my back so fucking backly. I don't know what happened, really. I was sitting on the couch, I reached for something, and something just... twisted. Sharp crackling pain, intense and constant. I could barely move. I still can't turn/twist my back... after four different painkillers and hours on a heating pad I'm able to breathe again but I still have to be careful.

If it's still really bad tomorrow I'll see about going to a doctor.

Hopefully sleep tonight comes easy and I don't make it worse. I'll be keeping it easy this week. Soon as I can trust myself to get in and out of a bath without further injury I'll use hot baths too. Or hell just do that starting tomorrow but wait until Will is home so he can help me in and out of the tub.

We'll see how this goes.

Got the comic done despite the pain, though it took way longer than I would have liked. Didn't finish until after midnight. Hopefully the upload got through in time for a Monday update. Fingers crossed.

I'll also keep trying to work on commissions throughout the week. Just have to watch how I move my arms while I draw... got to make sure I don't twist my back too much. Because I did that a few times today and ow.

In other news, watching this new-ish show with Will called "Dark Matter". I like it so far, we got about five or six episodes in today. It's one of those shows I like watching with the thought of "ha, this is a roleplaying group dynamic"... and it really does feel that way. In a good way, mind you. Also totally makes me want to play a game in this kind of setting with the same premise (you wake up from stasis with no memory but a whole lot of dangerous skillsets and your personality in tact, whatever it was)

Oh and there's an episode where Ruby Rose plays an "entertainment android", so... that was enjoyable to watch. Goddamn Ruby Rose... *swoons*
tags: health, work
 
    Read 1 - Post - Share - Link
 


 
 
 
Navigation  
  Previous 10
 
January 2016  
 
 12
3456789
10111213141516
17181920212223
24252627282930
31
 


  Powered by
LiveJournal.com