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(no subject)  
11:36pm 23/08/2015
Was in a lot less pain today. Slept like... somewhere between 10 and 12 hours. I needed that. Still tense, pain's still there, but it's not overwhelming. I spent the day forcefully relaxing. Will caught me on Photoshop and was all "I thought you said no art today" and I was like "I said no WORK today, this is for fun"

So I did a shit-ton of fanart. Mostly Dragon Age stuff, but started out with DC fanart.

So, yeah. Art. Relaxing and watching TV and movies with Will. Cuddling and petting the kitty cat when she was behaving. Will made cookies.

I needed today. I needed it a lot. :)
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(no subject)  
10:07pm 22/08/2015
In a good deal of pain. It spiked really badly at Panoptikon last night. I still had a good time despite this. The drive home was brutal. Had to take two heavy-duty meds to sleep through the pain.

Woke up late. We went car shopping, which was already the plan with Will but we took Roq as well considering his car might be totaled now. We tested a Mini Countryman and a Jeep Renegade. Leaning towards the second, mainly because of price. I slightly preferred the Mini but it's Will who will be driving it and making the payments so the Jeep is absolutely fine by me too.

Overheated while at the Jeep dealership though. It was really hot out and we spent too much time standing around in the boiling parking lot. That and pain and dehydration... I gave up and waited in the car with the A/C blasting.

After finishing up with the cars we had pho for lunch. It was really good and gave me just enough energy to be able to handle the drive to our friends' place for a party. Unfortunately the pain, dehydration, overheating and just general exhaustion made me sleep pretty much the whole time I was there. I felt bad, because I really did want to socialize. Right at the end of our time at the party I did what I could to at least make the rounds and talk as much as I could handle.

There was a second party nearer to home, a friend's birthday. I really really wanted to go, but... we stopped at the house so I could take my evening meds and I realized I was just too tired, in too much pain, too drained... just couldn't handle more people. Will and Roq both pointed out that there was a hot tub at this party that might help the whiplash pain stuff but I pointed out to them that I overheated today and sitting in a hot tub in August, even though it's night-time, is a god-awful idea. MAYBE I'll take a bath tonight or tomorrow. We'll see.

I have a massage scheduled later in the week. I also need to get checked out in general... neck and shoulders and upper back hurt like hell. Also want to get an ultrasound around my lower abdomen. I'm spotting... which could be because I'm ovulating and I have the IUD but considering how roughly the seatbelt dug in I worry the IUD is out of place and causing bleeding. That's PROBABLY not it, it would likely hurt and be bleeding a lot more. But I still want to make sure everything in that general area is okay.

Ugh. I just want to fall asleep and wake up healed.
tags: health, pain
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(no subject)  
04:53pm 21/08/2015
Car wreck today with Roq. We're both okay. I mean... I hurt. I'm tense. But I can't tell if any of the pain is related to the wreck or just the stress of it.

It's been an insanely long day. And I'm still determined to go to Pan tonight so it'll be even longer - but hopefully in a good way from here on out.
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(no subject)  
10:23am 21/08/2015
tags: lol, video
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(no subject)  
12:42am 10/08/2015
It's been a quiet weekend. I spent a lot of it gaming. Stayed up late last night. Will got in late and was chatty so I didn't get to sleep until maybe 3-ish. The cat woke me up at 5 for snuggles. Woke up again at 9 for pills. Went back to bed and stayed until 11 or so. Got up, made myself some coffee (which I've been yoinking from Will, haven't gotten new coffee for myself yet)

I started on the comic while watching Netflix. When Will got up he took control of the TV to game for a while, which was fine. He was playing SWTOR and so long as I have a story going on the TV that I can half-focus on while working I don't get stressed.

Then at some point in the late afternoon/early evening I fucked up my back so fucking backly. I don't know what happened, really. I was sitting on the couch, I reached for something, and something just... twisted. Sharp crackling pain, intense and constant. I could barely move. I still can't turn/twist my back... after four different painkillers and hours on a heating pad I'm able to breathe again but I still have to be careful.

If it's still really bad tomorrow I'll see about going to a doctor.

Hopefully sleep tonight comes easy and I don't make it worse. I'll be keeping it easy this week. Soon as I can trust myself to get in and out of a bath without further injury I'll use hot baths too. Or hell just do that starting tomorrow but wait until Will is home so he can help me in and out of the tub.

We'll see how this goes.

Got the comic done despite the pain, though it took way longer than I would have liked. Didn't finish until after midnight. Hopefully the upload got through in time for a Monday update. Fingers crossed.

I'll also keep trying to work on commissions throughout the week. Just have to watch how I move my arms while I draw... got to make sure I don't twist my back too much. Because I did that a few times today and ow.

In other news, watching this new-ish show with Will called "Dark Matter". I like it so far, we got about five or six episodes in today. It's one of those shows I like watching with the thought of "ha, this is a roleplaying group dynamic"... and it really does feel that way. In a good way, mind you. Also totally makes me want to play a game in this kind of setting with the same premise (you wake up from stasis with no memory but a whole lot of dangerous skillsets and your personality in tact, whatever it was)

Oh and there's an episode where Ruby Rose plays an "entertainment android", so... that was enjoyable to watch. Goddamn Ruby Rose... *swoons*
tags: health, work
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(no subject)  
11:43am 04/08/2015
If I ever post/see a photo of myself from years ago and I lament that I'm not her anymore, here's a comment that doesn't fucking help:

"You're better now, you look like a little kid in this picture!"

#1, I call bullshit. Most the people who say this are people who hit on 18 year old girls all the time so clearly "looking like a little kid" is a selling point if anything. Secondly, you're missing a shitload of context when I say I miss my old body. Yes the youth and being thinner and all was nice, but you know what I mainly miss when I see those pictures? ABILITY.

Guess what I could do back in those pictures. I could DRIVE A CAR. I could hold down a full time job. I could walk without the cane for long distances. I could dance. I could clean the house easier.

I've lost SO FUCKING MUCH. So having my wishes blown off with just telling me I'm hotter now? Is really missing the point. And also makes me want to snap at people because it's inevitably the same people who are INTO women who still look like "little kids", so you saying that's a BAD thing in those old photos is sending a mixed message. You're either into that or you're not, make up your mind. ;P

But do not mistake my grief over my losses for just looks or me worrying that I'm not attracting men who are into little girls. I damn sure don't want THAT type of guy anyway so win/win. I'm missing EVERYTHING about what that body was capable of. I'm mourning a TON of losses, of strength and independence and capability. I miss it all. I don't want to look like I'm a little kid. I want to dance. I want to drive a car. I want options for my future that aren't painfully limited to what I can do from my livingroom couch.

So, please. When I say I miss what I used to be, stop making it all about my looks and your sexual desire for me now vs me then. That doesn't help. That's not what it's about. Laughing off my pain with "you look 12 in this! lol!*" just makes it hurt more.

(*also a lot of people making this comment were hitting on me years ago, so... what, you were hitting on me when I looked 12? Who's the creep now, dude? :P)
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(no subject)  
01:23am 04/08/2015
some new art, done to Celldweller"s "Precious One"Collapse )
tags: art, music
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(no subject)  
08:25am 21/07/2015
I don't know what I ate or drank or took before bed last night but my dream got WEIRD. Like I woke up going "was this a movie I saw, or just want to see?"

In the dream I was a Korean girl, ALMOST sure it was North Korean but that part was fuzzy. I was young and my older brother had pressured me into this mail-order bride thing in order for us both to get to the US. It didn't quite work out in the "find a husband" part but unbeknownst to both my brother and I, the mail-order-bride service was a cover for the Korean government to secretly brainwash and train and experiment on these girls to turn them into super soldiers (unbeknownst to me because, you know, they erase that part of your memory)

So the mail-order thing doesn't work out, as I mentioned. My brother's mad that we didn't get to the US successfully so I run away and hide out at some all-girls boarding school or something. The government doesn't like that their super soldier just got away so they track me down there. Meanwhile I STILL have no idea, and am baffled when soldiers attack the school.

This is when a rogue soldier or ex-soldier or something from some other super soldier program (who looked like a young Schwarzenegger (yeah, random white dude in the Korean army, okay) like half the time but then just looked like another more believable human being) decided to help me out. He protected me while I slowly began to discover what I was, find clues that led me to find out about the super soldier project.

At the end of the day the rogue soldier helped out a lot and everything, but I realized my full potential and saved my own damn self.

Then I woke up.

And, as I said, went "... was this a movie? WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?"

I told Will about it. His response was "It's not a movie I'VE seen. But I totally WOULD."
tags: dreams
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(no subject)  
07:35pm 16/07/2015

Upped my selfie game today.
tags: selfie
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(no subject)  
07:24am 08/07/2015
I might not have a working laptop. Well that's a fan-fucking-tastic thing to wake up to.

Seriously if I lose this thing I can't work. This isn't fucking funny, universe.

Tried multiple plugs, two different chargers, it's the first time it's been on today so I doubt it's overheated.

I'm half pissed half scared. I'll try it again when I get home from my appointment but this is not okay.
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