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03:21pm 24/11/2014
I gave Will his present early...Collapse )
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(no subject)  
09:20am 24/11/2014
I woke up in a panic thinking we somehow skipped Monday and it was Tuesday and I was behind on this week's to-do list.


Cramping and low on patience and tired and I just want it to be Friday already.

Buuut I have a lot to do before Friday, so... it's probably best that this week goes just slowly enough for me to accomplish everything.
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11:19am 22/11/2014
I don't remember a lot of last night. Hell, most the day is a blur. Creepy.

This morning is better. There's still pain but I took a pill first thing and also something for cramps.

Then I made breakfast (had Will help a bit on the prep because I was still cramping and hurting and therefore slow)

Breakfast burgers ^_^ sausage patties, bacon, fried egg, Swiss cheese, tomato and baby spinach :)

Turned out pretty damn good. The buns are potato bread because that's the decision Will made at the store, but I think it would have tasted a little better with whole wheat. Ah well, still nommy. :)
tags: food
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I'm not going to lie, kids. The last few hours are a blur.  
11:05pm 21/11/2014
Walked through fire, safe on the other side now.

I've been in very... overwhelming pain for the last 24 hours. With the weather and cramps combined, my hip was not handling it well. Painkillers barely touched it. I didn't sleep very well at all last night, the pain kept waking me up. The whole day was a blur, and the longer it went on the worse my headspace got. Until I was so far in the dark I couldn't see the way out. I panicked.

I'm doing better now. The right meds have helped. My fiance has helped*. I'm resting comfortably. The pain is still there, but significantly numbed.

I'll be okay.

(*In an odd and accidentally painful way. Heat is very good for my hip pain. I was so overwhelmed and overloaded by pain that when Will asked if biofreeze would help, I said it was worth a try. He carefully applied it. Immediately the pain was... confusing. I couldn't tell if it hurt or felt good. This was the peak of sensory overload. Then everything cleared like a fog just snapped away and out of existence. Then it was VERY CLEAR THAT THE BIOFREEZE FUCKING HURT. He then wiped the Biofreeze away and replaced it with a heating pad. It seems that shock of pain was exactly what I needed)
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02:25pm 21/11/2014

mood: whinywhiny
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09:52am 21/11/2014
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08:23am 21/11/2014
I went to bed around 1am. Tossed and turned for almost two hours. Kept waking up throughout the night, uncomfortable and hurting. The room started getting lighter sometime after 6 and it's around then I just sort of gave up. I made a feeble attempt to sleep a bit more but it was useless. I was hurting too much.

So I'm up, and randomly crying. I took painkillers but they can often take an hour or two to kick in.

I see others who've suddenly faced chronic pain eventually lose their minds. Some days I wonder if that's coming. Maybe I've already lost it and I'm just "high functioning".

God knows on days like this I wish I trusted more people and could just relax and let myself cry and be weak around them. To trust that they'd hold me and still see me as strong and independent and capable, rather than it changing their perception to "tiny sad broken doll that needs coddling and protecting". I'm not that. But goddammit I'm tired of always being the reliable rock that faces storms like this with an iron will and optimism.

I'll get the optimism back. I've faced this before and won. I'll face it again and win. Today is no different.

But in the dark hours of the night and the gray quiet of the morning I'm left alone with my fear and pessimism and knowledge that very few people I know really can ever truly understand this.

Ten years of pain.

How long until I can't do this anymore?
mood: scaredscared
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Levels of openness/honesty  
08:52pm 20/11/2014
Recently I was talking to some one about my poly situation and mentioned something about how I dislike hearing any specifics/details about my partners' sexual experiences. They then kind of nodded and said, "Oh so it's like a Don't Ask Don't Tell thing?"

What?! No!

For one, I don't really see open "DADT" relationships as poly. If your partner is allowed to fuck others that you don't know about at all, that's just called an open relationship and a rather strained one at that (usually this arrangement is for people who are so uncomfortable with non-monogamy that they only agree to let their partner have sex with others in order keep them around... as in "Well if I allow him to do this, he won't leave me" - not healthy). I've heard stories of this dynamic working... me? I'm not a fan.

For seconds, what the fuck?! I know enough! I know who my partners are dating, I know who my partners are sleeping with, approval is given depending on our dynamic, everything is discussed and open and honest. What about that screams "DADT"?

I've talked to poly people who seem baffled by my insistence that what two (or more) people do in a bedroom is their own damn business. When my fiance is off with his girlfriend, what they do is for them, it's not for me! It's none of my business. I know when he's with her, I know they have sex, I knew the day they became official, I knew the day they said "I love you", I know the important milestones, I know everything I need to know. I don't need anything beyond that. You know why? I'm not them. They deserve that privacy.

Yet there are some who seem to think that counts as dishonesty or even distrust in my partner. Like if I was "truly poly" I'd want to know exactly how many orgasms happened over the course of a weekend and what positions were used and if toys were involved. What the fuck? NO! No no no NO!

I'd be furious if I knew one of my partners was sharing information about our sex lives with some one they were dating. Unless I have consented to them sharing specific things, and the other person wants to hear it, that is not for sharing. Those moments are private and intimate and ours. And my partners' other partners have that same right to intimacy and privacy that I do. There's no primary or secondary things to consider here either, this is an equal thing.

If I ever want details, I will ask for them. But I am not suddenly "not poly enough" if I don't want the details. Because even when my partners and their partners have offered it freely, I've rejected this information. I won't lie, some of the reason is insecurity. Especially when things have cooled sexually between me and that person. But also I just want them to keep some things just between them, because it's theirs.

So hell no I am not in a "DADT" relationship, nor would I ever be. And no I've not suddenly become "not true poly" just because I think some things need to be intimate between partners and not shared.

Why the hell is this so difficult to grasp?
tags: poly
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02:26am 20/11/2014
"I don't have Facebook/Twitter/Tumblr/Reddit/Instagram/etc etc blah blah, I guess I'm just weird like that"

I don't care.

No one cares.

Shut up.

If your self-worth and identity and uniqueness is that tied in to not being on XYZ social media site? You need something else. Because that's some boring bullshit. You're not more interesting just because you're slightly harder to contact.

(EDIT: Before I get complaints, just not being on one of these doesn't mean you're one of the douches who uses it as a weird form of bragging. I've avoided many forms of social media too, but I don't randomly offer up that information unasked as some kind of weird replacement for a personality trait or hobby)
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10:47am 19/11/2014
Today is therapy. Undecided if I want to go out and drink with friends tonight or stay in and relax and get some art done. If I really felt like it I could do both and just bring all the art stuff with me. I don't know. We'll see. Also I need to make a shopping list.

Tomorrow Will and I go out to run some delayed errands. For one we're going to this Magical Bra Place we had recommended to us in DFW that does custom-sized bras for very very reasonable prices. I'd LOVE to have a bra that fits. I'm also gonna get my eyebrows waxed. Then I want to stop by a grocery store before we go home and pick some things up for an experiment.

Friday we have company and if we're up for it we might go out with said company and do some thrift store shopping. We'll see, depends on when she gets over here.

Saturday I'm want to make the aforementioned experiment for breakfast. We chill. Then the three of us head down to play Pathfinder for a few hours.

Sunday I either do a comic or that's something I can try to do beforehand. I also want to go to brunch with my friend since it's become an accidental once-a-month tradition.

Monday through Thanksgiving I've got a few things to do. Vet appointment, wax, laundry, gather up Faire-type clothing, dye my hair, pack for a week away, and still find time to not overstress myself.

Thanksgiving I think we'll be driving up to my grandparents' place. Been a while since we did anything with my family. If we're up for hanging with friends that night, cool. But considering we're heading to TRF the next day we might want to go home and pack everything up and get a good night's rest.

TRF itself still needs the details worked out. Camping on-site is the easiest and closest option, but is frustratingly limited in other ways. I do like the idea of camping out, I really do. I also worry about the weather. We have an offer to stay with my sweetie but his house is like almost two hours' distance. Will's worried about that much driving with his back as it is. WHY CAN'T HUMANS TELEPORT? If we could teleport, hell, I'd just sleep in my own bed at night after enjoying a couple of hours around a fire. ;)

The week after TRF I spend in Houston. I'm really looking forward to the change of scenery - it's been a stressful couple of months and a break sounds fantastic.

The first weekend of December we drive back up this way. Will's gonna be LARPing that weekend so he'll not be able to join us for the cider festival in Denton. I'll just be sure to have at least one cider in his honor (likely with a touch of brandy that I plan to have tucked away in my backpack)

Yup. Busy times ahead. But most everything on the to-do list is wonderful.
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